Thoughts on the race!
Where do I begin? I have not spoken or written a lot about running since a month ago. As a lot of you know, through my instragram post a few weeks ago. I was pretty upset and frustrated with my late race, Long Beach half marathon.
As I began the race,all I thought how hot it was. The race started at 7:30am and it was over 80F at the start of the half. As I lined up at the starting line, I thought, " How can I handle this heat? Did I drink plenty of water? I hope I don't have to run to the restroom? My stomach hurts? and am I able run under these conditions? All these thoughts were scattering in my head as I was about to begin. It then went down from there. When I started, my legs, arms, and body started to stiffin up and I wasn't in the race groove. Have you ever felt as if your body is "there" running but your head was somewhere else. If yes! That's how I felt for the entire race. I did keep 5:55 to 6:00 pace until the 9th mile. The last 5 miles, I felt my stomach hurting due to my monthly cycle and ran to the restroom. I ended up running 7:30- 8 min pace the last 5 miles because of the traffic of people. I had the "pleasure" of running past all of the full and half marathon walkers and slower runners. Talk about traffic! Yikes! This was especially problematic on the narrow beach boardwalk. In the end, I crossed the line in 1:24. About 7 to 8 minutes slower from my goal pace. I could easily blame everyone and my body but to be honest, my head wasn't into the race. But given the conditions, I know I shouldn't dwell on it.
I guess I can begin by sharing how I felt embarrassed in being an elite runner. My desire to reach my goals for the half marathon was 8 min slow from the time I wanted to hit. As I meditated the whole week after Long Beach. I thought maybe this isn't my event, I'm not even fast enough, and I should give up and focus on track. As my dreams felt scattered. I promised myself I would never give up no matter what. I have to brush it off, move forward, and run my next race with my head high, arms pumping, and legs moving. All though sometimes negitivity goes in my head. I try to think of only the good and think of the positive things about myself, my rule when I head out the door. Maybe the Long Beach wasn't the time and place to run the pr I was hoping for. But I know inside, I will. Dream. Believe. Vision. And See It! I truly do see it
Goals and Training
So now the easy part. As many may know. I am coached by Sylvia Mosqueda. I am blessed to be coached by a running legend. Look her up, Isn't she talented. She isn't just talented. She is a dear person, with a great tough and golden soul. I am so thankful to collaborate with her and for her to coach me. Thanks Valerie! :) After my awful race at Long Beach, my main thing, and what I talked to Sylvia about, was to go out there and just compete and forget the bad races. She helps me to forget the past and move on. I know that I have better races ahead of me. She told me many times, I can't really always make up bad races, instead live in the moment. And learn from it! A realist! :) Thought I'll share her wisdom. Thanks Sylivia for reminding me.I am also running for her team, TEAMOSQUEDA running project! Excited to actually have a group of women to run together and help each other run in the next level. I feel lucky, happy, and hyped to what's to come! :) I also have an agent Roger Twigg, my agent who will get me into races and set up accommodations for me with the race director. I feel so fortunate to be able to work with Roger, especially since, I want to compete in other states and countries. My dream and goal is to run and race around the world. Too smell the fresh air, meet new people, and cannot forget to eat in every state, city, and country. And too experience the beautiful and wonderful world that God created. I am looking forward to working with him more, and to race more races. But for now, I am ready to get back into the groove of racing again, forget the bad (never looking back) and moving on.
Excited on training for XC Championships at Glendale on November 15th, USA championship half marathon @ San Diego on November 21st, Burbank Turkey Trot on Nov 26th, and ending my XC season at USATF XC Club Nationals @ Golden Gate Park, San Francisco on December 12th. Many races to come and I am ready for the challenge! :)
Okay, well enough about me.
Always Keeping it real and hope to inspire you in someway through my blog posts.
PEACE & BLESS
~ "Remove anything that creates a picture of failure in your thoughts and choose to see yourself succeeding."
~ "Your past experiences have prepared you for where you are right now, and you experiences today will prepare you for your future."
~ "It doesn't matter how many times you struck out in the past; that next swing could be your home run."
~ "If you're thinking, Life would have been different if only I had this or if only that had happened, let it go."
~ "If you have hope. Anything is possible."
~ "It's the start that stops most people.
Issues of domestic violence are severe and deadly. Many women experience domestic violence in one form or another. This is my story and YES I know it is long but trust me it is worth a read. It took me 8 years to share my story but I thought I would be helping many women who are in dysfunctional relationships. Please know there is life after a horrible relationship; do not settle for love that makes you feel worthless and little. Well here it goes…
You can come from a loving wonderful family and still end up in a bad relationship. That is what happened to me, to describe the words 'hurt' and 'betrayed' is beyond what I endured, beyond what any victim of physical and emotional abuse endures. I thought I had met the man of my dreams; he seemed perfect. I see that there were red flags from the day one, but I chose to brush the domestic abuse signs aside, biggest mistake ever.
Before I truly begin my story, let me tell how my life was before I met the young man that changed my aspect in myself. I was 18 at that time, full of hope and great passions. I was content with life, I made friends easily and pretty much enjoyed life. I received a full scholarship at Oregon State University and took a year in a half from not dating. I had decided that I would date after I have seen a drastic change in my running and in my schooling. Every thing made sense at that time; things were going according to plan.
Until, I met the man who changed me. We instantly hit it off; he was charming and seemed very wonderful. There was just something about him, which was controlling and manipulative. My parents saw the red flags how he was jealous, possessive, and wanted to see who texted me at all times. I did not listen to my parents. Instead I wanted to date who ever I wanted. As I looked back, I wish I should have listened and not have done the opposite.
I was told by my former boyfriend to believe that every bad thing he did to me was done because it was my fault. He called me dumb, stupid, ugly and that I was lucky to be with him. I believed him; I believed that I was dumb and that I was ugly. I really felt ugly, I cried many times, thinking I was worthless and I would not be anything without him and he just laughed at me. I began to have stomachaches and headaches due to the worrying about what type of mood he would be in. I was forbidden to talk to the males in his family and if I were caught, I was accused of cheating or wanting to cheat. Many days I was sitting in his room watching him play video games, sitting there, just watching, and the horrible part of it was when he would blurt out, "Bitch it is your fault I lost.” On occasions, I would remember hearing his parents argue and I could hear his mother yell, "Do not push me". I could hear his father calling his mother derogatory and demeaning names and I realized that he was just like his father.
The domestic abuse I endured was mainly verbal, physical and constant threats. Though I did not recognize it as such at the time. If I did not answer my phone he would go mad and call me every single name under the sun. Every day I had to send him pictures of the outfits I was wearing out, so that he could deem them as modest and acceptable. If I did not obey, he would accuse me of cheating. I did whatever he said because at that time although it was wrong I felt powerless. He would tell me who to see, when to see them, and what to do. My life which was once care-free and fun completely changed. I felt like a prisoner. He would call me stupid, ugly, dumb, and curse at me for no apparent reason. I felt I was walking on egg shells. To make it worse, he would say things like 'I love the way that girl over there looks, the way her hair flows and her body is amazing' this one time, whilst we were out he said 'excuse give me a minute to look at that girl'. I was shattered inside beyond repair, I had no voice. He would say it to hurt me and be spiteful. I never felt good enough or perfect enough; he would always make me feel like I was lower than dirt on the floor. I know what a lot of you are thinking? Why stay in this relationship, well I thought maybe he would change. I also thought I wasn't good enough. And once you are lost in a domestic relationship where you are called names. You tend to believe it. You become tormented inside, emotionally!
Day by day all I had strength for was to cry, I found it hard to focus, hard to go out, hard to run, hard to pray or even have faith. My heart was bleeding. He would insult my family, friends, my running, and the way I looked. Everything I loved. What hurts me, is that he had control over my life, over everything!
Everyone around me was saying, how much I had changed. I had neither strength nor self-esteem. The more I tried to be a good girlfriend, the more he got evil. I often wondered why I never stood up and said something, but I had no energy. I was once confident and always spoke my mind. He made me feel like everything I was saying was rubbish and irrelevant. Even when I tried to speak, he would tell me 'shut up you little b***'. In all my life, I had never been called that, yet he would call me. I had no voice. No voice at all.
For the first time I remember crying badly and loudly for God to just provide an escape for the domestic abuse I was suffering. I sat in the bathroom and cried, I was tired and was losing the will to live. The following day, I remember vividly up to this day, when he thought I was cheating because he thought I was flirting with my classmate through text message. An innocent text, “ How do you think you did on your test?” This ended up being the worst day of my life. He told me he did not want to be with me because he did not understand how a guy can text me. I could not have BOYS AS FRIENDS! He then punched me so hard in the stomach. He then grabbed my neck, and said, you worthless liar and slapped me across my face. The throbbing feeling, the pain I felt. Worthless, trash, and hurt. I walked outside his home, praying and crying to God for his help, “what am I doing. I deserve so much better than him.”
I then left home, and realized God did not put me into this earth to be treated so horribly. I told my family what had happened and a few days later he was convicted of domestic violence. I didn’t love myself for years! I was scared to go out or even meet new people, because of the experience. Running, attending school, family and friends helped me to move on from the bad and see only the good in things. While all this was occurring, I can honestly say, running has helped me shape who I am today It is crazy how running can make you feel strong, confident, happy, and make you feel worth more.
But, each day and year passes, I am now stronger.I LOVE my self more to not settle for anyone who belittles me and makes me feel not worth a lot. I have advice and encouragement for anyone going through a similar story right now: there is life after abuse, and know that you deserve more.
I am currently involved in Peace Over Violence and doing hobbies I love such as running and yoga.I have learned no matter what life throws at me, to move forward, surround yourself with positive people, and know your self worth. Because you are valuable and you did not come to this earth to be ridiculed and be told what to do. You came here to experience life and love everyone freely and others loving you freely!!!! I know it is hard because you feel he is so much better than you. He isn’t darling. You are beautiful, smart, kind, caring, and amazing. You deserve so much MORE! KNOW YOUR SELF WORTH.
Keep the faith and hold your head high!
Peace Over Violence