Self Worth

          Issues of domestic violence are severe and deadly. Many women experience domestic violence in one form or another.  This is my story and YES I know it is long but trust me it is worth a read.  It took me 8 years to share my story but I thought I would be helping many women who are in dysfunctional relationships. Please know there is life after a horrible relationship; do not settle for love that makes you feel worthless and little. Well here it goes…
            You can come from a loving wonderful family and still end up in a bad relationship. That is what happened to me, to describe the words 'hurt' and 'betrayed' is beyond what I endured, beyond what any victim of physical and emotional abuse endures. I thought I had met the man of my dreams; he seemed perfect. I see that there were red flags from the day one, but I chose to brush the domestic abuse signs aside, biggest mistake ever.
Before I truly begin my story, let me tell how my life was before I met the young man that changed my aspect in myself. I was 18 at that time, full of hope and great passions. I was content with life, I made friends easily and pretty much enjoyed life. I received a full scholarship at Oregon State University and took a year in a half from not dating.  I had decided that I would date after I have seen a drastic change in my running and in my schooling.  Every thing made sense at that time; things were going according to plan.
Until, I met the man who changed me. We instantly hit it off; he was charming and seemed very wonderful. There was just something about him, which was controlling and manipulative. My parents saw the red flags how he was jealous, possessive, and wanted to see who texted me at all times.  I did not listen to my parents. Instead I wanted to date who ever I wanted. As I looked back, I wish I should have listened and not have done the opposite. 
             I was told by my former boyfriend to believe that every bad thing he did to me was done because it was my fault.   He called me dumb, stupid, ugly and that I was lucky to be with him.  I believed him; I believed that I was dumb and that I was ugly. I really felt ugly, I cried many times, thinking I was worthless and I would not be anything without him and he just laughed at me. I began to have stomachaches and headaches due to the worrying about what type of mood he would be in. I was forbidden to talk to the males in his family and if I were caught, I was accused of cheating or wanting to cheat.  Many days I was sitting in his room watching him play video games, sitting there, just watching, and the horrible part of it was when he would blurt out, "Bitch it is your fault I lost.” On occasions, I would remember hearing his parents argue and I could hear his mother yell, "Do not push me".  I could hear his father calling his mother derogatory and demeaning names and I realized that he was just like his father.
            The domestic abuse I endured was mainly verbal, physical and constant threats. Though I did not recognize it as such at the time.  If I did not answer my phone he would go mad and call me every single name under the sun. Every day I had to send him pictures of the outfits I was wearing out, so that he could deem them as modest and acceptable. If I did not obey, he would accuse me of cheating. I did whatever he said because at that time although it was wrong I felt powerless. He would tell me who to see, when to see them, and what to do. My life which was once care-free and fun completely changed. I felt like a prisoner. He would call me stupid, ugly, dumb, and curse at me for no apparent reason. I felt I was walking on egg shells.  To make it worse, he would say things like 'I love the way that girl over there looks, the way her hair flows and her body is amazing' this one time, whilst we were out he said 'excuse give me a minute to look at that girl'. I was shattered inside beyond repair, I had no voice. He would say it to hurt me and be spiteful.  I never felt good enough or perfect enough; he would always make me feel like I was lower than dirt on the floor. I know what a lot of you are thinking? Why stay in this relationship, well I thought maybe he would change. I also thought I wasn't good enough. And once you are lost in a domestic relationship where you are called names. You tend to believe it. You become tormented inside, emotionally! 
       Day by day all I had strength for was to cry, I found it hard to focus, hard to go out, hard to run, hard to pray or even have faith. My heart was bleeding. He would insult my family, friends, my running, and the way I looked. Everything I loved. What hurts me, is that he had control over my life, over everything!
Everyone around me was saying, how much I had changed. I had neither strength nor self-esteem. The more I tried to be a good girlfriend, the more he got evil. I often wondered why I never stood up and said something, but I had no energy. I was once confident and always spoke my mind. He made me feel like everything I was saying was rubbish and irrelevant. Even when I tried to speak, he would tell me 'shut up you little b***'. In all my life, I had never been called that, yet he would call me. I had no voice. No voice at all.
 
        For the first time I remember crying badly and loudly for God to just provide an escape for the domestic abuse I was suffering. I sat in the bathroom and cried, I was tired and was losing the will to live. The following day, I remember vividly up to this day, when he thought I was cheating because he thought I was flirting with my classmate through text message. An innocent text, “ How do you think you did on your test?” This ended up being the worst day of my life. He told me he did not want to be with me because he did not understand how a guy can text me. I could not have BOYS AS FRIENDS! He then punched me so hard in the stomach. He then grabbed my neck, and said, you worthless liar and slapped me across my face.  The throbbing feeling, the pain I felt. Worthless, trash, and hurt. I walked outside his home, praying and crying to God for his help, “what am I doing. I deserve so much better than him.”
       I then left home, and realized God did not put me into this earth to be treated so horribly. I told my family what had happened and a few days later he was convicted of domestic violence. I didn’t love myself for years! I was scared to go out or even meet new people, because of the experience. Running, attending school, family and friends helped me to move on from the bad and see only the good in things. While all this was occurring, I can honestly say, running has helped me shape who I am today It is crazy how running can make you feel strong, confident, happy, and make you feel worth more.
       But, each day and year passes, I am now stronger.I LOVE my self more to not settle for anyone who belittles me and makes me feel not worth a lot. I have advice and encouragement for anyone going through a similar story right now: there is life after abuse, and know that you deserve more.
I am currently involved in Peace Over Violence and doing hobbies I love such as running and yoga.I have learned no matter what life throws at me, to move forward, surround yourself with positive people, and know your self worth. Because you are valuable and you did not come to this earth to be ridiculed and be told what to do. You came here to experience life and love everyone freely and others loving you freely!!!!  I know it is hard because you feel he is so much better than you. He isn’t darling. You are beautiful, smart, kind, caring, and amazing. You deserve so much MORE! KNOW YOUR SELF WORTH. 
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Keep the faith and hold your head high!


Peace Over Violence 
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