Hello friends and family. I hope you had a wonderful Christmas and New Years. Holidays are special to me because it allows me to see and be with my family more, pray extra more, set new goals, and cherish the year.
About Running: Country season ended for me about a month ago, I took a week off and started running again the week of Chrismas. During my week off I had some time to think about my goals and what my heart is calling me to do. Here is my race plan: I will be racing Hawaii February 20th and then focus on track season. I am excited and motivated to actually be running this winter and spring season since I couldn't run last season due to an injury that lasted for about 6 months. Anywho enough about running, I got to talk more about my spontanous outing with my boyfriend. Tehehe
My boyfriend messaged me a day after New Years and stated, "Pack up! I am picking you up and you won't be home for three days." I was built up with happiness, joy, and butterflies. I asked and asked and asked... "where are we going?" He stated, "it's a surprise, just enjoy!" This isn't the first time he is spontaneous like this. lol He keeps me on my toes and that is what I love about him. lol :)
My perfect man........ took me to San Diego, Mission Bay and we stood at an amazing hotel. I was sold by the complimentry breakfast of course. Who doesn't love food? right? lol During our adventurous stay, we went running at MIssion Bay. We also went to Old Town San Diego and last but not least Sea World. At Mission Bay we had a romantic picnic and where I ran my 7 to 8 mile runs. At Old Town San Diego, we went to the museum where we saw artifacts, pictures and homes that were from the 1800's and 1900's. One thing about me is I love looking at artifacts, pictures and homes from the past. It makes me feel that we are here for a purpose and it helps me realize that I have to cherish every moment. After seeing the museum, we went to eat at a Mexican resaurant. I have been stating to my boyfriend that I've been craving Mexican food... Mmmm arroz (rice) , friojles (Beans), nachos, and beef. Now that is where my love handles come from lol
Whoooo and the next day, we went to Sea World. I haven't been to Sea World since I was 12 years old. It was amazing seeing the dolphins, killer whales, penguins, polar bear, fishes, odders, and sharks. One of the best parts is touching a dolphin. I felt like a five year old girl since I was the only adult among kids touching the dolphin. lol haha How animlas can bring the joy and love in you.
Well I hope you enjoyed this tid bit of my adventure. I also thought I'll share some photos. ENJOY! :)
Hope you enjoyed some of my pictures.
Stay Motivated, Dream Big, Be Happy, and Never Give Up! ;)
Sometimes racing doesn't come easy and there will be days where your mind is scattered everywhere. Currently trying to collect the memories and learn the mistakes. The half marathon happened so fast that it feels like a dream. Sometimes I feel joyful after a race, it's like a high that I recieve from working hard to build up into a race. Often times, there are those races where you feel disappointed, and all you can do is let go and reassure yourself that the bad races doesn't define the type of runner you are.
Well here you go..... Inside my brain before and during race day.
Race Recap: Fast forward to a few days ago. The week before the race, I was battling with a flu that prevented me to run on Monday and taking some days easy. This ruptured a lot of my confidence and while I promised myself not to have negative thoughts roam in my head this season, I did. Laying in bed Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday feeling the weakness from this sickness circulating my body discouraged and saddened me. Wednesday I couldn' feel sorry for myself, I tried to be as positive as I can be because I knew this would be my only workout before my race. As usual when something bad occurs that has to do with my health, I had questions squirming in my head during the workout. Am I even fast enough? How can I race while feeling weak? Would this sickness damage my race? The workout itself was hard and I was excessively sweating and coughing. I did hit my target pace right on but I felt I was fighting against my body, this sickness and myself.
I took a couple deep breaths and I prayed to God to give me strength to finish this season great.
Before my race, I was built up with nervousness unknowing what my body will allow me to do. The race started and I charged for my goal pace, 5:50, running alone. As 2 miles pressed, I felt my twin sister and my friend Valerie working together and running towards me. I smiled and grew with happiness because running 5:50 solo would be boring and tough. My sister Regina, my friend Valerie, her boyfriend, and I started working together, trying my best to cruise a 5:50 to 5:55 pace. Working through each mile felt hard but I did not want to give up. As mile 9 and then 10 miles approached, I felt my legs and my body aching. At 10 miles, my friend Aaron Sharp helped me through the finishing miles. I felt myself slipping away from my twin sister at mile 12 and had her as my target to keep going even if my body wasn’t working with me. I felt myself coughing excessively and grasping for air. Usually at races, I have this deep desire to finish strong instead I wanted to callapse on the floor to catch my breathe.
Almost to the finishing stretch and following my twin sister, we both ended up going the wrong way which resulted in us stopping, jogging and asking people where the finish line was. As we were analyzing and trying to figure out the finish, we went to the right side of the finish which resulted in loosing about 30 seconds of our time. My twin sister clocked in at 1:18:40 and I at 1:18:46; taking 2nd and 3rd overall women. We were disappointed but we were more joyful that we overcame the half marathon together. I know I have a lot of learning to do on these longer distances and I know it all comes from experiences!
Learning Lesson: One thing that I have learned running half marathons and marathons are there are days where you feel amazing and some days you want to collapse on the floor because your body cannot go anymore or any faster. While it wasn’t my day to set a new PR, I am happier that I ended this season injury free. As sickness held me back this week, I know there are new seasons ahead of me.
Currently on my recovery to better health and staying injury free. I am eager to take some time not running for a week or two. Excited for track season approaching, Hawaii race trip soon, and more half marathons.
“Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.” Psalm 51:12
I am sorry for putting a hold on my blog. Mainly because I am constantly working and studying. Since I have a little break and done with my research paper. I thought I might as well post a blog. I recently ran this weekend at USATF regionals, a cross-country race which I am not a big fan of. To be ultimately honest, running cross-country at a hilly dirt course isn’t something I look forward too or gets me up in the morning. After running at USATF regionals, I came to the conclusion that I am not happy racing cross- country instead I would much rather race the longer distances . I found my drive last year when I prepared for 10k, half marathons, and a marathon race. It made me feel alive, confident, and as a whole wanting to be better than who I was yesterday. I use to love running cross- country but I know inside of me that isn’t my purpose or drive. My drive is to someday qualify to the Olympic Trails for either the half marathon or marathon. I am eager to learn how I can overcome and decrease my times in these incredible events. I spoke to my coach/ boyfriend about how I felt and we agreed that it is time to put in work to train for road races and half marathons. I like to think that my running has purpose. The good and bad performances, workouts, and training days are learning lessons.
I am in a season in trusting my instincts and knowing that all I encounter around me is a learning lesson.
Yes, I said it…. Half marathon training. I am officially training for a half marathon on December 11, at Santa of the Sea. During this season, I know there will be obstacles leading to the race. Late night sessions of school work and being tired some days. I am not superhuman but I know with faith and God’s love, I can accomplish everything that sets my soul on fire.
End note: I will try my best to keep you all updated on racing and life. Leaving my updated blog post with my closing thoughts. God has bigger and greater plan for us all. Believe, trust the process, continue to learn, and continue to be challenged.
It has been quite awhile since I last blogged! I am not going to lie, 5 months of injury brought a lot of emotions. The disappointment turned into tears and then frustration. I couldn't help but feel really sad and disappointed because I kept on running through my injury. I had to completely stop when I came to the point of having an allergic reaction on top of my IT Band injury which prevented me to run. When my allergic reaction healed, the pain of my IT Band injury then started decreasing. A week later, I ran a bit better and spent the day smiling because I knew God was watching over me. Who knew that an allergic reaction would miraculously heal me by taking some time off and surrounding myself with positive people who wanted the best for me. The injury was a reminder to stay positive and know that no matter what set backs happen, to never give up. I am now filled with joy that I am able to run injury free and use my ability to run for awareness and purpose. Distance running is full of ups and downs. Through the downs, however, there is a fire inside each and every single person. That fire is the kind of fire that can not be put out.
This summer has been filled with a lot of growth, tears, laughter, change, and doing things that I believed was right. I use to have a hard time with change but now I look forward to a new season. ;)
This past week, my boyfriend Andres, sister Regina, friend Eli, and I, went to Mammoth for a much needed vacation. The Mammoth adventure included camping outdoors, almost getting attacked by a bear, ice baths in June Lake, hiking, running, eating lots, and especially eating much needed chocolate. The Mammoth trip consisted of many beautiful trail runs and hilly courses that tested my limits. The Mammoth trip allowed me to rest and allowed me to refocus on new goals. I am looking forward to working hard!
The positive energy that we all shared on this trip, filled me with joy. Here are some photos of our adventure..... Hope you all ENJOY! =)
First time camper and I cannot believe how much fun and adventure it is to camp. The biggest surprise was seeing a huge bear. I was afraid to use the restroom at night since the bear would come to our campsite every night at around 2am. Overhearing the bear smelling the campsite every night was definitely scary. lol haha
Hot Creek Geologic Site. The water was super warm. There were warning signs everywhere to keep out and not to touch the water especially that steam water that you see on the right side of my head. My boyfriend and Eli put an egg in the steam water and it actually boiled in the water and rose above the water. haha How crazy is that? :)
On December 12th, my Coach and I decided I would run my 1st marathon. I was scared, nervous, and anxious but we wanted to take the chance and see if I could qualify to race at the Olympic Trials for the marathon since the USATF changed the qualification standard to 2:45. I was pretty skeptical and afraid. I questioned if I could even run a marathon. Can I really do this with a month and 5 days of training? My coach did not question my ability at all. She believed in me so much and told me I can do it! She stated," Girls you have to obey everything I am telling you; to eating habits, training, sleeping, stretching, gym, and vitamins. " The training itself was a whole other level since I had never ran above 16 miles. Also as people did not know, I have been sick for the past 3 months. Coughing, congested chest, headaches, fatigue, and body aches. The worst part for me was fighting this battle everyday. While my body inside was feeling exhausted, my fitness was at another level than I've ever been at before. I was in shape for great PR's and I knew I was ready to give it all I had.
Before the Race
The night before the race. I was built up with so many emotions. Afraid of whats to come. Tossing and Turning! So I called my dad and told him what I was feeling.I was Afraid and Nervous!
He stated, " It is okay to be afraid. Just think about your brother who has autism. Race for your brother. Your brain is your biggest tool during racing. " I then hung up and thought about it and ended up going to bed until 12:30am. The next morning, I ate my typical breakfast, oatmeal with a cinnamon raisin bran bagel with honey. And I was on my way to race my 1st marathon.
As I was at the starting line and the gun was about to start. I was terrified and I wanted to cry. My body shaking immensely! As the gun went off and 100 meters to the race. I can hear my boyfriend, my friend, his friend and the crowd cheering me and everyone else on and that put me at ease. I was ready for the battle, a mental battle to what it is to come. I know this race would be totally painful and hard. As the race pressed, at mile 3 I had a huge side ache at the right side of my stomach. It felt like sharp needles torturing my stomach that made it difficult and to breathe. This made me slow down. My sister looked back and knew something was wrong. I looked at her with stress and agony. All I kept on thinking about was what my dad told me. "Race for your brother!" I got aggressive and held a 6:12 pace and stood with the pact. At mile 4, my twin sister offered me water while we were running. I held my hand high and said, No. The pain was still there and I hoped that the pain would eventually go away. I did try taking a honey stinger gel at mile 8, a light lick and the immense pain came back again so I tossed the honey stinger gel on the floor. Through out the race, I withheld the gels and hydration that people were offering because of the painful side ache. Even though there was a huge pain in the side of my stomach, I was filled up with joy, happiness and determination. I wanted to win, I wanted to run fast, I wanted to qualify, and I wanted to race for my brother!
At mile 10 through 20, it was such an amazing feeling to run a race feeling unstoppable and powerful. I was in the lead and I had thoughts of victory for my brother and I. Looking down at my watch every so often, I was on pace to run a Olympic Trails standard. Though it felt amazing, at mile 21, I hit the wall and felt fatigue, tired, and had no energy to keep moving anymore. My Coach stated it was probably due to not hydrating and taking the gels needed.
Mile 21 to mile 26.2 I was running a 8:55 pace and even how much I tried to run faster, I just couldn't. The last few miles were the most painful miles I've run. I laughed... cried. I laughed because my sister caught up to me and we were both smiling and laughing to the finish line together. And I wanted to cry because I felt I let my family and my coach down. All together I was build up with much emotion.
When I crossed the finish line with my sister, I was glad I was DONE! I really loved running the marathon, and next time I want to learn how to defeat the last few miles. The marathon humbles you, a lot. I couldn't stop laughing after the race. A PR will come in the future.
Post Marathon: Enjoying, resting and rebuilding. One of my goals is to enjoy this time of rest. To stay motivated, and gear up for track, road races, and half marathons soon. At a young age, my Coach said I won't be running another marathon for the next two years. To be honest, I love racing the marathon! It was such a painful experience but I am ready to show myself that I am capable to running an Olympic Trials standard when my time comes. The marathon is a bit of unknown combined with dreams and over coming pain, tears, and panic. With my confidence in Christ and very exhausting season of hard work. I cannot really complain about my first marathon debut time. I am excited for what's too come! :)
Hello Hello All! Long Time, No Chat!!!!
Sorry for this very late blog post. I know I haven't posted since November 4th. I have a good excuse in why? My puppy Lola (Labrador) bit my computer cord. It sucks not to be able to do work from your own compute, such as emails and blogging. The bright side, I am blogging now. :) Anywho I thought I would share pictures and what is occurring in my life. As a lot of you know, I ran at San Francisco Club Nationals with my team. I am not going to lie, it was a tough race since it was all grass and I ran one cross country race before this. I ran a pretty decent race, 20:50 for a 6k and my team got 10th as a team. A big PR since college cross-country race and happy that our team placed 10th out of 41 teams.
I got to tell you I almost had a panic attack before the race. Ten minutes prior to the start of the race. My twin sister Regina forgot her spikes in the car, a mile away from where the race started. I felt bad for her. I honestly felt like crying for her because I could feel how she felt since she might be missing the race because she forgot her chip and her spikes and we only had 10 minutes before we all start racing. My sister sprinted to the car and all I was thinking before the race if she would be able to make it. As the man yelled out 3 more minutes tears were coming out of my eyes , my hands sweaty and my body full of adrenaline. I saw my sister running towards us as fast as she can and I felt happy inside and out. It was an unbelievable feeling. She actually pulled it off! It was like the heavens when I saw her running towards us. When she got to the start line, it was 30 seconds before the race. She was breathing excessively and heavenly. I was thrilled that she was able to still race but in the end, the gun went off and we were all in take off mode. Maybe it wasn't her best race since she was tired from the start and started her race before the start. Lol But this definitely proves that if you have the will and thrive too put your mind set on something. YOU can accomplish anything! YOU JUST CANNOT GIVEUP!!!!
I am honored too announce that our team is officially called TEAMosqueda Skechers Elite. We are all sponsored by Skechers and I am so thrilled too be working hard as a team and having such an amazing Coach who motivates and encourages us too compete in the next level.
This picture was 2 miles in the race. I was full of adrenaline before the race because of what occurred. I started my first mile at 5:12 and held it strong at 5:30 to 5:35.
After the race, my team and I explored San Francisco. We walked around Fisherman's wharf; eating lunch, dessert, and taking lots of pictures.
Individually we took pictures with our hands up high. Free and Happy! Love hanging out with motivating and an inspiring group of women.
It was COLD! lol :p
Happy Holidays ALL and much blessing to you and your family. I Promise I will be better in posting. Ttfn :)
I turned 25 yesterday, November 3rd, and I got to say, how much I have grown up. Well I thought I would share 25 things I've learned. I suppose we never stop until the day we take our last breath. So here's what I believe to be true. Some funny,serious, fitness related and some are not. Well here we GO:
1) #1 rule, text and call less. Face to face contact is my preferred communication. I have learned over the years, texting and phone calls can lead to miscommunication and misunderstanding.
2) Seek advice from those who talk very little. Those people are the best listeners.
3) Be thankful everyday you are breathing. This is a great reminder for me to how awesome life is and blessed we are alive.
4) Nutella and dark chocolate is a drug. The side effects include happiness and constant state of euphoria. Eat sparingly to avoid external bliss. :)
5) There are living saints among us. I call them Mothers.
6) Don't speed or text. Don't text and drive. Don't drink and drive. Just Don't! if your tempted think of a loved one crossing the street in front of you and not being able to stop. Horrifying right? That is the point! Don't do it!
7) There are no such things as coincidences; everything happens for a reason.
8) I try to carry extra food or change in my car and give homeless men/women food or change. I try and just smile and look at him/she at the eye. It's not much but if you look someone in the eye instead of looking way, I think that leaves an impression.
9) When given a choice, I will always eat my calories instead of drinking them. Gimme a chocolate cake over a Mojito any day or week.
10) Keep extra clothes and shoes in your car. So you are always ready to go for a run.
11) Always best to have less friends who will support you, than more friends who are not.
12) Miserable people HATE associating with happy people. They will do everything they can to make you miserable. Love them anyway.. Sooner or later, your happiness will either rub off on them or they will flee from you.
13) Speaking of writing, everyone should keep a journal. It's awesome to see your thoughts from years gone by.
14) You can't force people to stay or love you. All you can do is be you.
15) Time heals everything!
16) The gym is the best place to people watch. It's kinda gross to see people not wipe down the elliptical or treadmill when they are done.
17) It is okay to be angry. Take a deep breathe and walk away from the situation. In a few hours you will feel so much better. PROMISE! :)
18) RUN! It is good way to meditate and to have time to your self. Your body will thank you later.
19) Don't do things just so you can post about it on social media as a way to brag and boast. I always (TRY) to think before I write. Is this anything someone is even going to care about? Will it make anyone smile? Will it make anyone think differently? My point! Make it mean something If you want to babble, start a blog.
20) Forgive those who do you wrong. And don't hold it above your head. You may not forget easily, but forgive people who don't even forgive you.
21) People say don't be afraid to fail. I think that is true, but I think you should ever AIM to fail. I think you have miniature failures in order to be hugely successful.
22) If you say it, you will become it. If you are always telling your self you are unhappy, ugly, fat, and angry. Guess what? You will BECOME unhappy, ugly, fat, and angry. In fact, there is power in the words we use to describe ourselves. Use good one, stop saying the negative ones.
23) When someone breaks your heart it's the worst feeling in the world. But that feeling when you wake up knowing you have moved on and you are over them? Damn that feeling is so good. And then the feeling of being HAPPY for that person because you realize you were both meant to take different paths? That's the BEST feeling!
24) Timing is everything. It can be the right time for you, but the wrong time for someone else. That's just how it goes.
25) Always hit the SAVE button when writting blogs. I had to rewrite this all over agian because I forgot. And my first reaction? Laughed.. alot. Which is a great way to end this:
Laugh more. At everything!
Hello ALL! I hope you had such an amazing Halloween weekend. I always found it great and amusing to dress up to something you are not. Right? ;) Alright well since I had little sleep. Thought I'll share pictures of this weekends Halloween race.
Thoughts on the race!
Where do I begin? I have not spoken or written a lot about running since a month ago. As a lot of you know, through my instragram post a few weeks ago. I was pretty upset and frustrated with my late race, Long Beach half marathon.
As I began the race,all I thought how hot it was. The race started at 7:30am and it was over 80F at the start of the half. As I lined up at the starting line, I thought, " How can I handle this heat? Did I drink plenty of water? I hope I don't have to run to the restroom? My stomach hurts? and am I able run under these conditions? All these thoughts were scattering in my head as I was about to begin. It then went down from there. When I started, my legs, arms, and body started to stiffin up and I wasn't in the race groove. Have you ever felt as if your body is "there" running but your head was somewhere else. If yes! That's how I felt for the entire race. I did keep 5:55 to 6:00 pace until the 9th mile. The last 5 miles, I felt my stomach hurting due to my monthly cycle and ran to the restroom. I ended up running 7:30- 8 min pace the last 5 miles because of the traffic of people. I had the "pleasure" of running past all of the full and half marathon walkers and slower runners. Talk about traffic! Yikes! This was especially problematic on the narrow beach boardwalk. In the end, I crossed the line in 1:24. About 7 to 8 minutes slower from my goal pace. I could easily blame everyone and my body but to be honest, my head wasn't into the race. But given the conditions, I know I shouldn't dwell on it.
I guess I can begin by sharing how I felt embarrassed in being an elite runner. My desire to reach my goals for the half marathon was 8 min slow from the time I wanted to hit. As I meditated the whole week after Long Beach. I thought maybe this isn't my event, I'm not even fast enough, and I should give up and focus on track. As my dreams felt scattered. I promised myself I would never give up no matter what. I have to brush it off, move forward, and run my next race with my head high, arms pumping, and legs moving. All though sometimes negitivity goes in my head. I try to think of only the good and think of the positive things about myself, my rule when I head out the door. Maybe the Long Beach wasn't the time and place to run the pr I was hoping for. But I know inside, I will. Dream. Believe. Vision. And See It! I truly do see it
Goals and Training
So now the easy part. As many may know. I am coached by Sylvia Mosqueda. I am blessed to be coached by a running legend. Look her up, Isn't she talented. She isn't just talented. She is a dear person, with a great tough and golden soul. I am so thankful to collaborate with her and for her to coach me. Thanks Valerie! :) After my awful race at Long Beach, my main thing, and what I talked to Sylvia about, was to go out there and just compete and forget the bad races. She helps me to forget the past and move on. I know that I have better races ahead of me. She told me many times, I can't really always make up bad races, instead live in the moment. And learn from it! A realist! :) Thought I'll share her wisdom. Thanks Sylivia for reminding me.I am also running for her team, TEAMOSQUEDA running project! Excited to actually have a group of women to run together and help each other run in the next level. I feel lucky, happy, and hyped to what's to come! :) I also have an agent Roger Twigg, my agent who will get me into races and set up accommodations for me with the race director. I feel so fortunate to be able to work with Roger, especially since, I want to compete in other states and countries. My dream and goal is to run and race around the world. Too smell the fresh air, meet new people, and cannot forget to eat in every state, city, and country. And too experience the beautiful and wonderful world that God created. I am looking forward to working with him more, and to race more races. But for now, I am ready to get back into the groove of racing again, forget the bad (never looking back) and moving on.
Excited on training for XC Championships at Glendale on November 15th, USA championship half marathon @ San Diego on November 21st, Burbank Turkey Trot on Nov 26th, and ending my XC season at USATF XC Club Nationals @ Golden Gate Park, San Francisco on December 12th. Many races to come and I am ready for the challenge! :)
Okay, well enough about me.
Always Keeping it real and hope to inspire you in someway through my blog posts.
PEACE & BLESS
~ "Remove anything that creates a picture of failure in your thoughts and choose to see yourself succeeding."
~ "Your past experiences have prepared you for where you are right now, and you experiences today will prepare you for your future."
~ "It doesn't matter how many times you struck out in the past; that next swing could be your home run."
~ "If you're thinking, Life would have been different if only I had this or if only that had happened, let it go."
~ "If you have hope. Anything is possible."
~ "It's the start that stops most people.
Issues of domestic violence are severe and deadly. Many women experience domestic violence in one form or another. This is my story and YES I know it is long but trust me it is worth a read. It took me 8 years to share my story but I thought I would be helping many women who are in dysfunctional relationships. Please know there is life after a horrible relationship; do not settle for love that makes you feel worthless and little. Well here it goes…
You can come from a loving wonderful family and still end up in a bad relationship. That is what happened to me, to describe the words 'hurt' and 'betrayed' is beyond what I endured, beyond what any victim of physical and emotional abuse endures. I thought I had met the man of my dreams; he seemed perfect. I see that there were red flags from the day one, but I chose to brush the domestic abuse signs aside, biggest mistake ever.
Before I truly begin my story, let me tell how my life was before I met the young man that changed my aspect in myself. I was 18 at that time, full of hope and great passions. I was content with life, I made friends easily and pretty much enjoyed life. I received a full scholarship at Oregon State University and took a year in a half from not dating. I had decided that I would date after I have seen a drastic change in my running and in my schooling. Every thing made sense at that time; things were going according to plan.
Until, I met the man who changed me. We instantly hit it off; he was charming and seemed very wonderful. There was just something about him, which was controlling and manipulative. My parents saw the red flags how he was jealous, possessive, and wanted to see who texted me at all times. I did not listen to my parents. Instead I wanted to date who ever I wanted. As I looked back, I wish I should have listened and not have done the opposite.
I was told by my former boyfriend to believe that every bad thing he did to me was done because it was my fault. He called me dumb, stupid, ugly and that I was lucky to be with him. I believed him; I believed that I was dumb and that I was ugly. I really felt ugly, I cried many times, thinking I was worthless and I would not be anything without him and he just laughed at me. I began to have stomachaches and headaches due to the worrying about what type of mood he would be in. I was forbidden to talk to the males in his family and if I were caught, I was accused of cheating or wanting to cheat. Many days I was sitting in his room watching him play video games, sitting there, just watching, and the horrible part of it was when he would blurt out, "Bitch it is your fault I lost.” On occasions, I would remember hearing his parents argue and I could hear his mother yell, "Do not push me". I could hear his father calling his mother derogatory and demeaning names and I realized that he was just like his father.
The domestic abuse I endured was mainly verbal, physical and constant threats. Though I did not recognize it as such at the time. If I did not answer my phone he would go mad and call me every single name under the sun. Every day I had to send him pictures of the outfits I was wearing out, so that he could deem them as modest and acceptable. If I did not obey, he would accuse me of cheating. I did whatever he said because at that time although it was wrong I felt powerless. He would tell me who to see, when to see them, and what to do. My life which was once care-free and fun completely changed. I felt like a prisoner. He would call me stupid, ugly, dumb, and curse at me for no apparent reason. I felt I was walking on egg shells. To make it worse, he would say things like 'I love the way that girl over there looks, the way her hair flows and her body is amazing' this one time, whilst we were out he said 'excuse give me a minute to look at that girl'. I was shattered inside beyond repair, I had no voice. He would say it to hurt me and be spiteful. I never felt good enough or perfect enough; he would always make me feel like I was lower than dirt on the floor. I know what a lot of you are thinking? Why stay in this relationship, well I thought maybe he would change. I also thought I wasn't good enough. And once you are lost in a domestic relationship where you are called names. You tend to believe it. You become tormented inside, emotionally!
Day by day all I had strength for was to cry, I found it hard to focus, hard to go out, hard to run, hard to pray or even have faith. My heart was bleeding. He would insult my family, friends, my running, and the way I looked. Everything I loved. What hurts me, is that he had control over my life, over everything!
Everyone around me was saying, how much I had changed. I had neither strength nor self-esteem. The more I tried to be a good girlfriend, the more he got evil. I often wondered why I never stood up and said something, but I had no energy. I was once confident and always spoke my mind. He made me feel like everything I was saying was rubbish and irrelevant. Even when I tried to speak, he would tell me 'shut up you little b***'. In all my life, I had never been called that, yet he would call me. I had no voice. No voice at all.
For the first time I remember crying badly and loudly for God to just provide an escape for the domestic abuse I was suffering. I sat in the bathroom and cried, I was tired and was losing the will to live. The following day, I remember vividly up to this day, when he thought I was cheating because he thought I was flirting with my classmate through text message. An innocent text, “ How do you think you did on your test?” This ended up being the worst day of my life. He told me he did not want to be with me because he did not understand how a guy can text me. I could not have BOYS AS FRIENDS! He then punched me so hard in the stomach. He then grabbed my neck, and said, you worthless liar and slapped me across my face. The throbbing feeling, the pain I felt. Worthless, trash, and hurt. I walked outside his home, praying and crying to God for his help, “what am I doing. I deserve so much better than him.”
I then left home, and realized God did not put me into this earth to be treated so horribly. I told my family what had happened and a few days later he was convicted of domestic violence. I didn’t love myself for years! I was scared to go out or even meet new people, because of the experience. Running, attending school, family and friends helped me to move on from the bad and see only the good in things. While all this was occurring, I can honestly say, running has helped me shape who I am today It is crazy how running can make you feel strong, confident, happy, and make you feel worth more.
But, each day and year passes, I am now stronger.I LOVE my self more to not settle for anyone who belittles me and makes me feel not worth a lot. I have advice and encouragement for anyone going through a similar story right now: there is life after abuse, and know that you deserve more.
I am currently involved in Peace Over Violence and doing hobbies I love such as running and yoga.I have learned no matter what life throws at me, to move forward, surround yourself with positive people, and know your self worth. Because you are valuable and you did not come to this earth to be ridiculed and be told what to do. You came here to experience life and love everyone freely and others loving you freely!!!! I know it is hard because you feel he is so much better than you. He isn’t darling. You are beautiful, smart, kind, caring, and amazing. You deserve so much MORE! KNOW YOUR SELF WORTH.
Keep the faith and hold your head high!
Peace Over Violence
My name is Sabrina Lopez and I am a twin. I reside in Los Angeles. I am honored to be sponsored by Oiselle, honey stinger, and CEP. I am blessed to promote these brand and products. As a result, become a strong, inspiring and healthy runner. My moto is to do all things with all my heart and soul. Here I plan on logging in my training, eating, adventures, relationships, and life learning experiences. Hope you enjoy :)